Sunday, February 19, 2012
Twin Mom Guilt
Lately I have been thinking a lot about whether we should try for another baby or not.
In some ways I feel we have a great, perfect little family. Two parents, two kids. Two boys that have a close bond. If we have a third, would he or she feel left out? (We really don't want to have 4.)
But then, there is this feeling like I missed out on something. I love my twin boys. I love that I had twins (it really is fun to have two the same age). I feel like I have these two 18 month old boys, and I am getting this double does of "toddler" (which actually has been awesome.. honestly all ages over 6-9 months have been great). But while I am getting double toddler-hood, I feel like I was robbed of the boys' baby-hood. And honestly when I really focus on that, it makes me so, so sad.
My boys were very high-needs babies. If they were not sleeping or nursing, they were crying. All I wanted was to curl up with them and nurse all day, but that was just not possible. (Yes we tandem nursed 12 hours a day, but it wasn't very "cuddly". We all survived their colicky infant stage, but we did not thrive. I did not feel like I enjoyed it like I wanted. In a way I feel like I failed them because I could (almost) never give them my complete attention. I have twin mom guilt. I think it's different than having 2 two years apart. I know there is jealousy and other issues that come up between singleton siblings. But the issues are different, some probably harder, but definitely different. Newborns require constant care. Toddlers are capable of playing on there own for some periods of time. They can walk, communicate some needs, feed themselves.
I think what I am trying to say, is.. even though I had planned on only having two kids when I married Alan, I feel like I never had a "normal" baby experience. I mourn that loss when I think of never actually experiencing a singleton. And I almost feel like I have to prove to myself that I can be a better mom. I know none of these are actually good reasons to have another child. Do any twin moms feel like they didn't get to experience their twins' baby-hood the way they wanted?